Divorce

This was our last week of class and I learned some pretty interesting information. Although my parents have never divorced I have had divorce effect me in a more indirect way. My grandparents on my mom's side divorced when she was about 10yrs old. Because of this experience and how she grew up it directly effected her own family as an adult. Some of the things that have effected our family due to my mothers childhood experience would be that she doesn't like to have family dinners. She also had a a lot of fears of getting married and although this was hard for her to overcome, she did and made sure that her children wouldn't suffer from those same fears. I know that divorce is never easy on a family and sometimes we can't avoid the effect it has on generations. I think it's important to acknowledge the past, but also to remember that you can change your future and be the writer of your own destiny.

Parenting

While learning about parenting and what its purpose is I learned that parents are responsible to protect and prepare their children to survive and thrive in the world they live. I began to think about my parents and how they fulfilled this role in my life, and I came to the conclusion that parents are not perfect and although they never do anything exactly right overall they completed their goal. I always felt protected and when I left home my parents made me believe that I could face whatever I don't want to make the same mistakes as either of our parents, but I also know that they did somethings that I do want to continue in my family. Learning about parenting styles I realized that they do tend to change over time and that is natural. As parents and children go through different stages of life it makes sense that how we think and react to things will change as well. Research has shown that authoritative parenting is the most effective. Authoritative parenting is when you give your children high autonomy,  but not without a clear set of boundaries and rules that are expected to be followed. This parenting style also requires a lot of healthy communication and explaining why you do things not just demanding they listen. I hope I will be able to do this and be a good mother and wife someday.

Finances

In class last week we talked a lot about how keeping a family budget and discussing money with the family makes a huge difference in the family's stress level and overall happiness. So many divorces occur because of the effects of finances.Learning to be happy and live within your means regardless of them being large or small brings greater safety and satisfaction in life and to the family. There is safety in knowing that when you spend money it will be there. Along with living within your means doing your best to stay out of debt and paying it off as soon as possible when you do. Things like education and buying a home are things that are okay to get in debt for but when making these large investments make sure you will be able to make the payments, don't bite off more than you can chew. This is so important as a couple to make these decisions together, but when children join the picture it is important to share with them the importance of saving money and spending wisely.

Power

In class we defined power as the ability to influence someones thought, feelings, or behavior. I like that power isn't about controlling others it's about the ability to influence them good or bad. It will surprise you how often you  can exercise power over others. Not only do we have power, but so does the media. This really stuck out to me because I never really understood how great the influence really was until I realized that the media is everywhere not just TV or magazines, it is literally surrounding you constantly. This is not necessarily a bad thing because you choose what you surround yourself with and if you choose to be around good and uplifting things that power can be a great resource in your life. I feel that this also goes with people the better people you hang out with the better you can be too.

Dealing with Family Stressors

We learned about a model last week called the  ABCX Model.
   A-Actual event
   B-Behavioral response
+ C-Cognitive response
   X  -eXperience
This is a process of how we can influence the out comes in our lives. Just because a trial or change of events takes place in our lives does not mean we have to end up a certain way. We can each consciously decide how we will respond and make the best out of a tough situation. I believe we are each given different trials and obstacles to over come in order to become the person we are supposed to be. I think that it's awesome that we have the power and control to turn the results into something positive or negative, and I hope we can all remember this power we have been given.

Intimacy

Contrary to natural belief the most important sex organ is actually the brain. I didn't realize this until we went over the different chemicals released during intercourse such as dopamine, serotonin, and oxycontin. There are also some significant differences for men and women, for example women need to feel safe in order to be sexual and in order for men to feel close and safe the opposite is true. Sex is most definitely not the most important thing in a marriage, but it is usually a good barometer for how the rest of the relationship is going. When it comes to teaching your children about intimacy it's important to not shut down the minuted they have a question. Also don't wait for someone else to teach your child, make a decision with your spouse and decide what you want your children to know and when. Remember to tell the truth and don't let embarrassment stop you. Teach your child, don't just focus on the physical, let them know that it is a sacred thing only between husband and wife.

Marriage and children

There are some who believe that as soon as a couple begins having children that marriage satisfaction will inevitably decrease and that's it, it can't be helped. However by no means does this have to be the case. If you stop nurturing your marriage relationship and only focus on the baby of course things wont be as good in your marriage! Knowing that a decrease in marital satisfaction is the natural thing to happen when a new person enters your family there are things that you can do to prevent that. Starting with the pregnancy keep the husband involved and informed, including doctor visits and movement in the womb. Make the birth experience one that is a personal time for the husband and wife and no one else. Share the different experiences that come with a new born. Take turns getting up at night when the baby cries and take turns with the various responsibilities, it will help you both feel involved and important in your child's life. Now that you both feel involved with your child take time for each other. Plan dates with each other and make a special effort to spend some quality time together.  

Marriage Preparation and Dating

Lets first define what a you need to have a successful date, here are the three P's to remember 1) Plan, 2) Paid for, 3) Paired off. It's important to note that the patterns we perpetuate through dating continue through our marriage relationships. As a college student I live with roommates and before that I lived with siblings. All of these experiences help prepare me and help me get a general idea of what I will be like as a spouse. One of the first things we look for in a potential partner is physical attractiveness and following that someone we are similar too. Intentional, thoughtful dating is the way to really get to know someone. Here are three crucial things you should do while dating, 1) Talk, mutual self disclosure 2) Time, anything less than three months you don't get to know someone 3) Togetherness, a variety of situations which approximate or parallel marital situations through shared activities. As your different relationships grow you will find there are different types of love. Agape which is unconditioned love, Eros which is the romantic type of love, Storge a parent child type of love, and Philia which is love between friends a brotherly love. Something interesting I learned in class was about R.A.M.,  the relationship attachment model. It is really interesting and worth looking in to. The last words of wisdom from my teacher were THINK TRUTH! Although it is not as romantic as following feelings seeking for the truth in a person is what will truly bring you happiness.

Homosexuality

This being a very sensitive and hot topic in today's society I feel the most important thing to do before placing judgement is to BE INFORMED. There is so much false and misleading information out there so it is very important to find credible and valid sources of information. A very common misconception is that a "gay" gene has been found and that is most definitely false. Also claiming to be "gay" or a homosexual is not a life defining it is having intimate desires between someone of the same gender. In some cases it isn't until some life experience that is misunderstood and then reinforced. Such as being sexually molested or socially rejected from peers of the same sex as you. These experiences can cause confusion and deep emotional scars that diminish self worth and understanding of who you are as an individual male or female. From a study on homosexual relationships it appeared that on average an individual had had sex with over 500 other people. This was shocking to me and then I heard something that helped me make sense of it and that statement was, "You can never get enough of what you don't need because what you don't need can't satisfy you."

Social Classes and Culture

My professor posed a question to us and asked us if social class influences the family and capacity to meet it's needs, responsibilities, and purposes? In my opinion social class plats a large role in the way families operate and function. I know that where I grew up and in my public school experience there was definitely a division of social classes that we all knew and excepted for the most part. It wasn't that we were happy about it, but we all knew our role. However, I will say that the way you act and your values are a lot of what define the class that you were in. I may not have been from the rich side of town, but I was a hard worker and so were my friends. In my opinion we choose the kind of person we want to be and through our actions and expectations for ourselves and that determines our class. I also know that sometimes we can't change our circumstances, but the only person that keeps us down is ourselves. I say that, but there are of course a lot of variables like our culture, heritage, and parents that influence how we see ourselves in the world. There are patterns within these different subgroups and with this knowledge we can learn how to get out of these and really become the person we want to be.

Family Systems

This weeks class discussions were all about family systems. I found it really interesting that when we from new family systems by getting married that it is really important to branch off from your parental family and start your own way of life. Each person in a family has a particular role and by fulfilling that role we help the family create a place of homeostasis. Balance is brought to the family and people are able to act comfortably. We also talked a lot about the unspoken family rules. We all have them, those things you just never do or never say. A lot of these come from traditions and things that we discover after figuring out someones personality.I think that sometimes they can be good and other times not so good. As in all things a healthy balance should be made. I also learned about how to make and interpret family Genograms. They are worth checking out on Google images. From doing family history and digging a little bellow the surface you can see family traits that might even explain why you are the way you are or why people in the past did certain things. I'll keep you osted on all the cool things I learn!

Family Trends

As I have read and learned more about today's modern trends on the family I have discovered that the family unit is quickly disintegrating all around the world. Something that I have found most interesting is that cohabitation although is thought to help people see if they are compatible before marriage does not help marriages last longer in fact the opposite is true. Another thing I found interesting was that for a long time people have been worried about over population and because of this people are having smaller and smaller families. The main source of over population is the elderly who are living longer. The problem with this is that we are headed into a society that has more elderly than children that are being born. This leads to all sorts of economical problems and a future problem of under population. An interesting fact my teacher shared with the class was that if we were to give every family on the Earth an acre of land we would fill the entire state of Texas. If we were to give each person an acre of land we would fill Brazil. This really changed my perspective on over population, how about you?

Hi I am Breanna Carlos from Kingston, NY. I am currently a student at Brigham Young University in Rexburg, Idaho. I am a Marriage and Family Studies Major with two  emphasis's  in Communication Management  and Vocal Music. I am starting this blog for my Family Relations class and I hope to be able to share insights on family matters and how we can better live with those we love. I look forward to future discussions and what your views and opinions are on regarding what I learn from class. Thanks for following!
-Brea